Why Calculus Will Save You from the Zombie Apocalypse

To survive a zombie apocalypse, one will need more than instinct and short term solutions – one will need logic and, most importantly, math. A thought-out plan comprised of sophisticated calculus equations will ensure long-term safety objectives. Thankfully, Zombies and Calculus by Colin Adams colorfully illustrates the critical implementation of calculus components when going head-to-head with zombies. Adams demonstrates how a professor and his students successfully exercise calculus to survive the attacks of zombies who not only disrupt their calculus class (the horror!), but are also out for human flesh.

Here are a few need-to-knows:

Zombies travel approximately at one yard per second – a constant derivative.

A derivative of a function is its rate of change. If a function is changing quickly, its derivate will be high, while if a function is changing slowly, its derivate will be low. Adams explains that we can measure the function’s rate of change through the steepness of the tangent line. zombies and calculus rate of change
Since speed is defined as distance divided by time, one can calculate the speed required to get from Point A to Point B in a specific time, while being able to evade any unwanted visitors (zombies). Keep in mind — speed tends to vary (not for zombies, remember, they travel in a constant derivative!), so the derivate of the function has the potential to increase or decrease. Using these simple formulas, one is able to plan out the distance, time, and speed needed to outrun these deadly predators.

It’s hard to crack a zombie’s skull. It’s easier to knock a zombie unconscious.

As detailed in Zombies and Calculus, the amount of force necessary to crack a human skull is 10,000 newtons (a newton is a measurement for force that equals 1 kilogram meter per second squared). Adams offers an example: if a baseball is going 90 miles per hour (40.2 meters/second), weighs 5 ounces (0.145 kilograms), and comes into contact with a head for .007 seconds, its force can be calculated through:Screen Shot 2015-10-29 at 4.44.31 PMSo since a baseball, with said specifications, can only create approximately 800 newtons, imagine how much force is needed to produce 10,000 newtons! When attacking a zombie with force, do not try to go for the easy kill — rather play strategically by knocking the zombie unconscious with a sudden sharp blow to the head. This will create a dramatic head jerk, causing the brain to get knocked around in the cranial cavity, thus causing a short circuit. The benefit of knocking a zombie unconscious, of course, is additional planning and escape time!

Zombies pursue in a radiodrome path.

Like a dog pursues a rabbit, a zombie pursues its human prey. A zombie will follow its prey’s path at the prey’s given location at that specific instant. In a scene from Zombies and Calculus, (pause to imagine it), a Dean is running towards the safe haven of an academic building in a straight line. However, a zombie is present and begins to pursue the Dean, always having its tangent vector pointing at the Dean. The zombie is going to travel to wherever the Dean is in that current moment. Screen Shot 2015-10-29 at 4.39.23 PM

Since zombies are incapable of developing an efficient plan, the zombie does not run at a diagonal towards the academic building, which would cut-off the dean’s path. Instead of recognizing the Dean’s travel pattern or destination, the zombie is chasing the dean like a dog chasing a bunny’s tail to the rabbit hole. If only the dog knew that its radiodrome procedure was flawed, the dog would be able (with a speed higher than the rabbit) to cut-off the rabbit at its hole and claim victory. If dogs were to catch on, there would probably be fewer bunnies hopping around.

Cold-blooded creatures are unable to regulate their body heat.

Like other cold-blooded creatures, zombies hibernate. A zombie’s body temperature will decrease according to the differential equation that guides the temperature change of an object placed in a space with a different temperature (so for instance, if a zombie with a temperature of 60 degrees is placed a room of 30 degrees.) According to Newton’s Law of Cooling (remember Newton from discussing the measurement ‘newton’ for force?), the temperature of a body’s rate of change is proportional to the difference between the present temperature of that body and the ambient temperature (basically, the temperature of its surroundings). Given as a function of time, the zombie’s temperature (where Tg is the specific location):Screen Shot 2015-10-29 at 4.42.31 PMThe larger the contrast of temperatures, the faster the body temperature will drop. As the characters in the book discover, if there is a zombie apocalypse, it might be time to consider a move to our friendly neighbor to the north, Canada.


Zombies and CalculusTo discover more lifesaving tips, fun and entertaining mathematical applications, and learn the fate of the brave calculus professor and his students, read Colin Adam’s  Zombies and Calculus. Just in case the zombie apocalypse does occurs (maybe tomorrow?) it should be comforting to know there’s a mathematical guide to survival on your bookshelf.

The Work of the Dead: 15 facts on graves, ghosts, and other mortal concerns

The Work of the DeadAs the air becomes crisp and we indulge our appetite for pumpkin-spiced everything, the falling leaves serve as a memento mori, a reminder of death and dying. Fittingly, this fall PUP is publishing Thomas Laqueur’s The Work of the Dead, a cultural history examining how and why the living have engaged with the dead from antiquity to the twentieth century. Here are some interesting facts and images from the book to get you in the spirit of the season!

1. Autolysis is the process by which enzymes that once turned food into nutrients begin to break down the body. Bacteria freed from the gut then starts to devour the flesh; in later stages microbes from the soil and air join in.

2. It used to be the case that all graves in Christendom were oriented toward Jerusalem. Around the turn of the 20th century, they began to be oriented toward walkways or bodies of water.

3. Tollund Man was killed in the 4th century BCE and found by peat cutters in 1950. Because of the preservative powers of the bog that was his final resting place, today we can discern the clothes he wore when he died, a cap of wool and sheepskin, and how he died, via strangulation. Scholars say that he was most likely a human sacrifice.


The Work of the Dead, p. 125. 4.1 Southeast view of a church, described as St. John’s of Southwark, showing the churchyard. J.W. Edy after a painting by John Buckler, F.S.A., 1799. © British Library.

4. Certain traditions of modern Judaism insist on rapid burial, even at the risk of burying someone who is not yet dead, because of the dangers of spirits lurking around the body.

5. Christianity has had an ambivalent relationship with ghosts throughout the centuries. Augustine related a story of a dead father returning to his son to deliver vital information, for example, but by the time of the Reformation, Protestant thinkers explained continued widespread belief in ghosts as a holdover from Roman superstition.

6. In early nineteenth-century England, the potentially unquiet souls of those who had committed suicide were silenced by burying the bodies at a crossroads with a stake through the heart.

7. A Harris poll in 2003 determined that 51% of Americans believed that ghosts exist. Only 35% of those aged twenty five to twenty nine were skeptical, but 73% of those older than sixty five did not believe at all.


The Work of the Dead, p. 210. 4.13 Tomb of David Hume, Old Calton Cemetary, Edinburgh. Carlos Delgado.

8. In Chinese antiquity, thousands of men, women, and children were beaten into the ramparts of the tombs of the Shang emperors so they could serve their lords in death as they had in life.

9. In the seventeenth century, the founder of modern international law, Hugo Grotius (1583-1645), compiled a library of opinions and practices from ancient authors in support of his view that the denial of burial was so fundamentally at odds with any conceivable norm—with being human—that it was a just cause for war.

10. In the Jewish tradition, it was God who taught man how to handle the dead. Adam and Eve were mourning the death of their son Abel when a raven fell dead near them. Another raven came, made a hole, and buried his dead fellow. Adam said, “I will do as this raven did,” and buried his son’s body.


The Work of the Dead p. 38. 1.2. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus. Philipp Galle (1537-1612), from the series The Eight Wonders of the World. After Maarten van Heemskerck, 1572. Harvard Art Museum/Fogg Museum. Gift of Robert Bradford Wheaton and Barbara Ketcham Wheaton in Honor of Mrs Arthur K. Solomon, M25955. © President and Fellows of Harvard College.

11. Giambattista Vico (1668-1744) thought that burial of the dead was one of the three “universal institutions of humanity.” The other two are matrimony and religion.

12. Other than elephants and (it is argued) some insects, humans are the only animals that care for their dead.

13. During the 1790s in France, the Pantheon was built to house the new “gods” of the nation after they died. Mirabeau was the first to be admitted in 1791. Voltaire was interred there later that year.


The Work of the Dead, p. 20. 1.5. The grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetery, London.

14. Max Weber wrote in his study of the Protestant ethic, “the genuine Puritan even rejected all signs of religious ceremony at the grave and buried his nearest and dearest without song or ritual in order that no superstition, no trust in the effects of magical and sacramental forces of salvation, should creep in.”

15. Vladomir Nabokov said, “Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.”

For those in the Princeton area, Thomas Laqueur will be at Labyrinth Books on Friday, October 30 at 5:30pm to talk about his book. Mark your calendars!

In the spirit of Halloween: 5 facts from Do Zombies Dream of Undead Sheep

j10305[1]Are you a Halloween costume enthusiast who gives the best costumed trick-or-treater the most candy? Do you plan on being a zombie this Halloween? Are you afraid you might not be able to distinguish between real zombies and fake ones? If you answered yes to any of those questions, read on! Below is a list of five facts from Timothy Verstynen and Bradley Voytek’s book Do Zombies Dream of Undead Sheep?: A Neuroscientific View of the Zombie Brain.

  1. According to Verstynen and Voytek, all zombies suffer from CDHD, or Consciousness Deficit Hypoactivity Disorder. Subjects with CDHD suffer from “a lack of intentional movements, lethargic and fatigued movements (akinesthesia), loss of a sense of pleasure (anhedonia), general language dysfunction (aphasia),” and much more.
  2. Ever wonder why some zombies are easily outrun and others are surprisingly quick on their feet? Verstynen and Voytek believe this phenomenon has to do with the time it takes a dead body to resurrect itself as a zombie. They call this “time-to-resurrection,” and the longer the process takes, the slower the zombie will move.
  3. CDHD seems to affect the amygdala and hypothalamus regions of the brain while leaving the primary sensory areas, cortical motor areas and basal ganglia, thalamus, and brainstem regions intact.
  4. Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) has been used in patients with Parkinson’s to help alleviate them of their symptoms. Our authors wonder if similar kinds of therapy could be used on zombies.
  5. “Survival Tip #6: Mimic them. ‘If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.’…If confronted with a herd of undead with no clear avenue of escape…act like a zombie.” Zombies have difficulty recognizing facing, so as long as you’ve been practicing your zombie walk and growl, you should be fine!

Whatever your motives are, hopefully these five facts will help you better identify zombies this Halloween.


Halloween prize pack sweepstakes includes Zombies & Calculus and Do Zombies Dream of Undead Sheep!

zombies.jpgIn honor of all things spooky and scary, Tor.com is sponsoring a Halloween Prize Pack Sweepstakes. Five winners will be presented with six books to get you in that Halloween spirit.

To win, all you have to do is comment on this post, here! Good luck and happy Halloween!



The Crossley Halloween Guide

With Halloween fast approaching, everybody is getting into the spooky spirit. Even Richard Crossley, author of The Crossley ID Guide: Raptors, is contributing to the mood with this photo of some Black Vultures. Dark and searching for their next deceased meal, these beautiful creatures are equally foreboding and festive for October! Happy Halloween!

Black Vulture